Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Last resort.

Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation No breathing
Dont give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding

Do you even care if I die bleeding
Would it be wrong
Would it be right
If I took my life tonight
Chances are that I might
Mutilation outta sight
And Im contemplating suicide

Cuz Im losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me Im fine
Losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me Im fine

No I do not want to kill myself...This is just how I feel right now. Like I'm losing my mind, And no one would care if I was gone. But I'm not ready to die yet, I still have a few things I promised myself I was going to do before I die. This song just reminded me of how overwelmed I am right now. I could never kill myself, thats cheating. The anger in this song reminded me of all of the anger I have inside of me. It's just a really powerful song.

Lila if you read this, I promise I'm not having suicidal thoughts. Maybe this wasn't the best thing to post...but W/e it caught my attention at the time.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Ever since that night I hvae been terrified to be at parties, and to be drunk because I'm so scared of loosing control again I guess. But last night I had a huge fight with mama, and I was already feeling miserable because of the flashbacks, and just everythng. She kicked me out of her house and so I left and I ended up going to a party with my best friend, and I wasn't planning on drinking i just neededto get away but when I got there they were offering me drinks and I guess I thought if I could just get drunkenough i would forget it all and so I drank and drank and drank and before I realized it I was wasted. But it didn't make it any better I started having flashbacks and I just wanted them to stop so I kept drinking more and more and more. when my best friend finally took the alcohol away from me I couldnt even move I couldn't talk I felt paralized. I honestly thought I was going to die I had never been that drunk before. I don;t know hwy I did it. It's absolutely pathetic. I'm such an idiot I don't knwo why I would put myself in that situation again. I don't kow why I did it. IM SUCH AN IDIOT!!

Thursday, October 25, 2007

I want to cry.

I feel really sad. I want to cry, but I can't. I'm at work. it's pretty slow. I hate it when it's slow. Gives me too much time to think. Because of you is on the radio. It would have to be now.

This is impossible.

why is something so fuc*ing simple, so fu*king hard for me. Why can't I let it all go. Why can't I cry. Why? because it's a sign of weakness, and I'm not allowed to be weak. I have to stay strong. If I'm not the strong one who is everyone else going to lean on.

but why do I have to be so miserable. I just want to honestly say I'm happy.

I'm sure that will never happen.

this whole post is pointless. Nothing I say makes any sense. A bunch of nothing.

;-(

Funeral.

The funeral was today. It was sad. Very sad. She's in a better place now. I guess it's selfish to want her to be back here. I don't really have anythign to say right now. I'm just sad.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Because of you

I will not make the same mistakes that you did I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery I will not break the way you did You fell so hard I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk Because of you I learned to play on the safe sideSo I don't get hurt Because of you I find it hard to trust Not only me, but everyone around me Because of you I am afraid I lose my way And it's not too long before you point it out I cannot cry Because I know that's weakness in your eyes I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laughEvery day of my life My heart can't possibly break When it wasn't even whole to start with Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk Because of you I learned to play on the safe side So I don't get hurt Because of you I find it hard to trust Not only me, but everyone around me Because of you I am afraid I watched you die I heard you cryEvery night in your sleep I was so young You should have known better than to lean on me You never thought of anyone else You just saw your pain And now I cry In the middle of the night For the same damn thingBecause of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk Because of you I learned to play on the safe side So I don't get hurt Because of you I tried my hardest just to forget everything Because of you I don't know how to let anyone else in Because of you I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty Because of you I am afraid

this is how I feel. Most of it anyways. I just heard this, and i didn't really feel like talking about how I feel, and this kind of explained it so..yeah. thats all.

Worthless

mama finally admitted that I was worthless tonight. At least she actually called me something that makes sense for once. It kind of hurt my feelings I guess. It doesn't matter though. I'll get over it, it's not the worst thing she's ever called me. Thats all. I don't have much to say right now.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

the worst decision in the history of worst decisions!

SO my mom and dad had court today....for custody over Autumn. You will never believe who they gave custody to. HER!! I love Autumn to death, and I want her to live with me as much as I want anything in this world, but she doesn't deserve to have to live with mama. She deserves so much more. I don't get along with my dad, but when it comes down to it...he is the one who will take care of her. Mama is not financially stable, nor emotionally stable. Autumn was just the onyl thing keeping her from getting child support. She was the only Kid she didn't have. I can't believe the judge is so Fucking stupid! I know I am going to be the one taking care of Autumn, and I have done this her entire life, but i have so much going on right now, so much to worry about, so m uch responsibility already. I just don't know if I can handle this too. it means getting up earlier now, taking her to my grandmas to catch the bus, then after I get off work going there to pick her up and take her home. thats a logn way. I already get no sleep as it is! I am not meaning to sound so selfish i just don't know how much more I can do. I do and do and do and do, and it's never enough. I just don't want Autumn to have to live like I have lived for the past 6 years with her. I don't want her to have to deal with her boyfriends, and the yelling and fighting, I don't want her to have to go without. I'm so upset abou tthis. The worst thing...now my dad has no one, and in a way his wife has caused this, as far as Beau and Autumn go, but I just feel so bad. He has really been trying. This all just makes me want to cry.

been a while

It has been a while since I have written anything. Homecoming/school/death in the family/ just being busy with everything. I actually ended up being able to go to homecoming, it was ok. The party was pretty stressful afterwards. I had a hard time actually being able to laugh, and have a good time with my friends, because I was so worried about everything. I was really paranoid. At homecoming dancing was ok at first, but then when the dance floor got really crowded, I felt like scared I guess. when someone bumped into me or anything I would jump, and then eventually I couldn't handle it so I had to go back to the top where the tables were. Mark came with me. He was really supportive for the most part. He danced with me to slow songs, and didn't really push the whole dancing to the fast ones. POssibly because he can't dance. hahaI don't regret going, Ijust wish I could have enjoyed myself better. I guess i will jsut have to accept that things like that will never be fun for me anymore...the triplets Nanny died yesterday...It has been a really hard time, since we were all really close to her. we didn't expect to loose her so soon. The funeral is thursday...It makes me really sad. I guess it's true, you shouldnt take for granted what you have, because you never know when it will be taken away from you. :-[

Thursday, October 18, 2007

All for tonight...

I am getting off at 8 tonight!!! I'm really happy! finally some time to do my homework, and to get to bed at a decent time!! Catch up on some much needed sleep--hopefully. I actually think I might be able to go to homecoming! **crossing my fingers** I'm not getting my hopes too far up though because that's just setting myself up for disapointment. so I'm just hoping I get to go. :-/ Today has been much better. The past few have been absolutely horrible...I hope I can have a few good ones. Although I'm scared, I'm looking foward to the meeting w/ Lila monday. I'm really hoping I can talk...**crossing my fingers again** I guess that's all for tonight.

Ps. Thanks to all on Pandys...The advice/support has been a real big help throughout the past few days.

Today...

Today has been slightly, no alot better than the past few. I think I actually slept more hours last night than I have slept in a week. I drove last night, after I got off work I just drove. I didn't know where I was going I just knew I wanted to get away. Away from everything. I ended up at lake gaston, about 2 hours away from my house- only about fifteen minutes from my dads. I stopped at the public boat landing, and I sat on the dock for about 2 hours, thinking, crying, just being pissed off. I think last night was the first time I have actually cried because I was sad about what happened. Usually when I cry it's because I am pissed off at myself for even getting upset about it, or just pissed off in general, but last night it really hit me how sad i am. I sat there and though about how I was just lettign myself loose it, about how I was giving up on everything. I don't want to give up, I don't want to let that bastard ruin my whole life. I took and ripped up everything I had written in my journal...I don't know why other than I am sick of hiding how I feel in a journal...writing is ok but I need to talk about it. Writing is not getting it out, when I talk about it, it seems real, liek I have to face it. when i am writing and I get upset or don't want to deal with it anymore I just stop writing, close my journal and I don't have to worry about anyone trying to make me talk. I need someone to make me talk. I need to get all of the anger, and fear, and hurt out. I don't want it to take over my life, and as of right now it is. I'm sick of being afraid. I'm sick of feeling alone. Anyways, when I finally got myself together I went and stayed at my dads for the night, and when Autumn came into my room because she had had a nightmare, and she wanted to sleep with me because she was scared, I realized that I have to deal with this for her. She looks up to me, and right now I am nothign for her to be looking up to. I just know I can't loose it because I am all she has. I just realized ALOT last night. I realized exactly how bad things are...I realized how miserable I really am, and I realized I have to do something about it. I can't keep digging myself into the hole I am already so far in as it is.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Last post...

I get off work in about an hour and a half, and I am going to be closing until then so I guess this will be my last entry until maybe tomorrow. This is probably the worst I have felt in a long time. I don't want to go home, I just want to drive, and just keep driving until I am so far away from everyone. That way I wont have to worry about anything anymore. I dont want to go home and get yelled at. I can't handle it right now. I already feel like I am...about to give up. I just want to say fuck it all and not care what happens anymore. honestly at this point I don't care. I don't care what happens at home, or school. I just don't care. I can't do anythign right. Everything I do is always wrong, or it's NEVER GOOD ENOUGH! I have not slept good in about a week, nighmares, flashbacks, worrying, everything! it has kept me up every night. I need to talk to someone, I know it would probably make me feel a hell of a lot better, but when soemone asks me what's wrong I don't even know what to say. and i can' talk to my friends about what I'm feeling. I'm too ashamed of how I feel. I'm such an IDIOT! There is just so much wrong. I feel completely worthless! i hope maybe tomorrow can be a little better, or a lot better. maybe it will be. I guess I won't really know until tomorrow. I just hope I can sleep tonight. I guess that's it. I'm going to close, and then go home...if that's what you'd call it.

NOW!!!!!!

THIS IS HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW!!!!!!

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EVERYTHING IS JUST JUMBLED UP IN MY MIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THIS IS ME SCREAMING I SUPPOSE!!!!!! I JUST WANT TO HIT SOMETHING OR SOMEONE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M PISSED OFF AND SAD AND JUST SGJKLSVHJASJIVJIVOIJSKJFHSKJGKSJDNVKJNHSDJKLVSWVGF

SCHOOL SUCKS!

so we had our first student teaching experience today. It was just supposed to like show us kind of how things were going to work when we started really student teaching in a couple of months. anyways I was really looking foward to it and all, and I had been assigned a practical law class (I am really close to that teacher, so she requested me) anyways I went into the class room during lunch and learn so that I could find out what my lesson was going to be, and you know ask her a couple of questions that I had, well I went in the class room and this is what the board said.

AGENDA: OCT. 17,2007

STUDENT TEACHER-Ms. Wright

1.warm-up discussion "why do a large number of rapes go unreported?"
2.Ch. 9 Pgs. 112-115- Laws/steps reguarding rape/reporting
3.Summary dicsussion/review worksheet

You know what are the odds of that? The one day that I am student teaching and this is the topic!!!!!!???? Of all of the other fu**ing topics in that book and she had to pick that one for that day!! I did not know what to do. I didn't want to s tand up there and talk about that...how was I suppose to teach a subject liek that to the class when i can't even...when I can't even talk about it when I need to????? I did it...I didn't have a choice, btu the whole time I was standing up there I was watching the clock just waiting for ti to be over. The class did all of the talking I don't think I hardly said anything...I just felt like if someone said the wrong thing I would freaking loose it. I hated the discussion the most...their opinions on why they wernt reported...the most said one was fear, but then there was this one asshole was like "maybe because it didn't really happen," I wanted to tell him that jackasses like him were the reason people didnt report because people like him make us thing that no one will believe us!!!! I have never been more relieved to get out of a class as I was to get out of that class. I think maybe Mrs. Mcg. could tell how upset I was getting, because she ended up stepping in half way through the lesson and helping me, and when he made that comment she told him to keep his opinions to hisself if they were liek that. I'm sure she just thought I was nervous, but thank god for that. i don't know what I would have done if I would have had to teach the whole lesson, I could barly stand to just listen to it. People are so mean with their opinions. Needless to say I guess that was just anothign thing to add to my absolutely horrible week and a half. I seriously am starting to realllyyyy HATE schooL!!!!!!!!!!!!

;-(

There goes homecoming,....

I deposited the money for the car insurance saturday before work, but when I called today to check my balance before I called in the car payment, it wasnt there. I called the bank and the lady told me that they had not recieved a deposit. I told her that I put it in the night deposit box saturday morning with my name the date the money and a deposit slip, but she said they did not get it. I don't know how the hell something like that gets messed up. The envelope didn't just dissapear into thin air. and I SWEAR TO GOD ON MY LIFE that it put it in there. I just don't understand what happened!!!!!!!!! I don't know what to do now. when mama finds out she is going to kill me she is going to take my licens, my car everything. I am going to be grounded for the rest of my life!!! she wont believe that it put it in there, she is going to swear that I'm lying. I told the lady at the bank she could check the cameras she could do what ever she needed to but I put the envelope in that damn box!!!!!! But I know I am not going to be able to go to homecoming now. she is not going to let me do anything. If she could have just paid for the insurance herself we wouldnt be having this problem in the first place. I don't know, I don't want to go home. I can't handle her yelling at me right now I can't handle it today. I don't knwo what to do though I know she si goign to flip out. It just seems like everything is going down hill. EVERYTHING I just don't know.

ps. I HATE SCHOOL!!!!!!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Something bothering me in school...

In school we are studying anglo-saxon poetry, and epics, and in anglo-saxon times, they wrote alot about rape, and doing things to women, because they thought of them only as sex toys I guess you could say. When Mr. N is talking about it....he will like make comments about how the women were raped and stuff, and it really makes me uncomfortable. I don't knwo it's jsut the way he says it, like not caring at all like it's not a big deal. I don't know. I already don't like him, and then him making comments liek he does just makes me notl ike him even more...I hate going to that class. I don't knwo why he always has to bring it up...he makes refrences to it all the time, and I wish he could just make his refrences to something else for once. He thinks it's funny or something...and honestly I don't find it funny at all. I know I can't be afraid of the word rape for the rest of my life, but....IDK.

ALso in teachers for tomorrow, we are making these things called barrier books, and they are books written to I guess you could say "appeal," to people with Barriers to learning. Barriers being, substance abuse, death in the family, eating disorders, sexual abuse, ect. and of course my partner has to decide she wants our topic to be sexual abuse. How can I write a book for soemone whos been sexually abused, tryign to help them feel better, and better understand that what their feeling is normal, when I can't even make myself feel better? I HATE it. we have to make up a story about a girl being sexually abused and in the story use the "steps to overcoming the abuse," as an example in her situation...if that makes any sense. It's kind of hard to explain. I can't do it, shes sitting there making up this whole story about how this girl is raped and she is like making it so perfect like it's so easy. well she was raped, and she was sad, and then she went to counceling, and then she was all better. SHE ACTS LIKE IT'S SO FREAKING EASY! I know it's not her fault but uhhhhhhhhhh. I don't know why she had to insist that we do that topic... out of all the other ones that one was just a GREAT freaking idea we had to do that one. I'm starting to hate school!!!! I can't get away from it ANYWHERE!!!!!!!!

So I'm grounded...

Well I'm grounded because mama is mad at me for buying a homecoming dress. SHe said I knew I had stuff to pay for, and I still spent money on something stupid. She showed up at my work friday night, she was waiting for me when I got off. She made me get in the car with her, while she yelled at me, and wanted to kno where the hell all of my money went!!! I asked her where the hell she though all of my money went! Car insurance, paying for her son's lunch at school everyday, gas to take him to school, home, and community service, my car payment, cell phone bills, and yes I bought a freaking homecoming dress! SHOOT ME, I BOUGHT ONE THING FOR MYSELF! She had the nerve to ask me if I was on drugs!!!!!! she said because she didn't knwo what else I could be spending my money on! I probably shouldn't have said it but I was like no I'm not a fu*k up like you, and well that was not the smartest thing I have ever said. She got really pissed and told me to get the hell out of her car and come straight home. I was just like what ever. she followed me home and when she would pull up beside me at a stop light she wouild not even look over at me. I don't care anymore. She makes me feel like nothing every single day, and it's about time she feels how she makes me feel. It's my money! I WORK FOR IT! I work for two freaking weeks for absolutely nothing, because as soon as I get paid, my whole check is gone. and it sure as hell is not spent on anything that I want. She took my phone, ashe wouldnt let me go anywhere. She made me miss my meeting with Lila, which I really needed to go to this week. she wouldn't let me go anywhere. I couldn't even use my phone to call and tell Lila that I couldnt come until almost four-when the meeting was supposed to start, and only then because I told her I HAD to call school and see what time the SAT prep was. The more I am around her, the older I get the more I start to detest her. I don't want to hate her, she is my mom, but I just can't let myself forgive her for all she has put me through, when she's stull doing it. I don't know I just feel so overwelmed with everything. I havn't been able to sleep all that great, I've had flashbacks, I've just felt like pure shit this entire week. UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'm just sick of it all.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

stressed out

I am really stressed out about homecoming. I want to go, but then again I don't. If I go I have to go with Jhonathan. I cannot go alone, and I don't think I am ready for all that. I thought sicnce Mark was going to be allowed to go things were going to be easier, you know because I am more comfortabel with him and all, but I don't know now. I am scared he si going to try to take it too far more than a friend thing. Of course I love Mark but I am not ready to be physical with anymore. Not hugging not kissing not anything, and I can just see mark trying something. I don't know I am thinking I should come up with some kidn of excuse as to why I cannot go...i don't know though. I don't want to regret not going. Maybe Mark will not try to take things too far, maybe he really will jsut act like were friends, I just know how homecoming is. the dancing the parties. I'm just not ready to handle all of that right now. UUUUUUUhhhhhhhhhh I don't know just another thing to worry about. Mama is being a b*tch as usual. I can't do anyuthing right. she is mad at me because I bought a homecoming dress. she said I should have never spent that money when I had "other things to pay for". what ever I dont care anymore. I am so sick of all of her bull shit I dont even knwo what to do. I wish she would just stop pretending like shes super mom and trying so hard to "give us a good life" when she does not do shit. she doesnt do ANYTHIGN SHE DOESNT EVEN HAVE A JOB!!! she supposedly got this job, but when the hell is she going to start/?? probably never she probably lied about it all. I just can not wait until I am 18 and old enought o move the hell out of there. i just want to get away. sfjcjsdklcfjijefiojoijerfiojijdslk;aklJ:irjvghjiopkfjoeqriwjfiojowiejfoiwjerfiojwefiojweoigj!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Saturday, October 13, 2007

decisions

There have been so many things I have been thinking about. I am really worried about school. the guidance coun. came into our classes to talk to us about beginning to apply to colleges...I don't know what to do. There is only one school that I want to go to, yet I can't let myself apply to it. I am afraid to. I just dont know if I can do it. I couldnt even go there for the night. I don't want to allow him to take anythign else away from me. allowing what he did to me affect my decision towards my future is me giving in. I am allowing him to take the only thing I have left, the only thing I have to look foward to. I'm scared I'm going to make the wrong decision. If I decide to go there but can't handle it, then what will I do. What if I go there and I am absolutely miserable, but on the other hand if I don't go, HE WON, I would have to live with the fact that I LET HIM WIN! I know I am going to regret it if I don't go, I don't knwo what to do. I really don't.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Pandy's

I really like this website, I have only been a member for one day and I have already gotten so much support. It is amazing.

flashback

I don't remember a whole lot of what the bastard said to me when he was on top of me, but there are a couple things that I specifically remember just because he repeated them over and over and over again. I didn't think that hearing something he said to me again would freak me out as much as it did..but when zach said what he said in history today it was like...it was like I was not even in school I was back in that room and I could hear him saying it I could feel him touching me I couldnt take it. I got up and went to the bathroom and sat there for a while just crying, trying to tell myelf that it was just a flashback and it was nothign to get upset about but it just....it was really scary I didnt know what to do. other than in health last year I have never had a flashback in school or even around anyone at all....I just didn't know what to do, I wanted to get out of the classroom because I didnt want anyone else to see me and ask me what was wrong and I just felt like I was seriously going to break down right there I just wanted to be by myself. It was really bad. Now I am always going to be worried about hearing things liek that and having other flashbacks. I would have just rather not have had to deal with that right now, just one more thing to worry about. Things really suck right now...really more than I can even explain. Nothing is workign out and it is stressing me out so much. I Can't do anything right, someone is always pissed at me for one reason or another. I guess I just can't win for loose. ;-(

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

OH MY GODDDD

why does this have to be such a bad fu*ki*g day. I can't do anything right I feel like shit. everyone is bit*hing at me for everything they want too fucking much from me.IM SICK OF IT!!!!!!!!!! all I want to do it cry...I want to but I can't. Iwish my meeting with Lila would have been today because I have so much I want to say. it would be really nice to be able to talk to someoen right now. I feel like I'm on the verge of just fucking breaking down I cant hold all of this inside of me anymore I want to say fu*k school fu*k my mom fu*k the world I want to just crawl in a corner by myself and cry i want to feel everything i have been pushing away. I dont know why im fu*king uhhhhhhhhhh asdjfnhckjsdnhfcjknhsdkvjjksdvjkbsvjkbsjkhjksvkjbsdvjkbvkbjf nothing makes sense to me right now everything i am thinking is just jumbled up into a bunch of nothing i cant make sense of any of it i dont even know what to write i dont know how to write what i need to say!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! please fuc*ing help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My Birthday

Usually I am counting the days down until my birthday...not this year. I am dreading it. I never thought that there was a such thing as an anniversary of the day you were raped...I mean I know that day comes around every year, but I just didnt think people considered it an anniversary...I guess I just always thought of an anniversary as a happy time...I don't know. It's really...unbelieveable to me that it has almost been a year since it happened. Maybe because I waited six months to tell anyone, or maybe because I still have not really told anyone... I don't know how it is going to feel on the that day..I mean I know I am not anticipating the day coming, but I really don't know how it is going to be...I mean I don't knwo if I will feel like I did on the day it happened or if I won't even feel any different. Maybe it won't be that bad...Lila gave me this paper on anniversaries, and It really helped to see that I wasn't alone..like I wasnt the only one who was scared about how I was going to feel on that day. It was neat to see the diferent way that people dealt with it. It was also really scary though to see how bad some peoples anniversaries were like some people had really vivid flash backs and were scared to leave their houses...I don't want that to happen to me. The worst part is that I am not even looking foward to my birthday...I just want to skip it...all of this happened at my birthday party...I just wonder if I will ever be able to enjoy it again, or will it akways be a sad day for me? I don't know...I just don't know what to expect.

i really liked that website Lila gave me on that paper...even though I know I am not the only one going through this...it really helps to hear someone else say the things that I can't. It really helps talk to someone who understands how I feel...someone who feels or has felt the same way.

.....

I really want to talk about it! I just can't. WHY!?

so...

I went back there this last weekend...I thought I could handle it...I guess I was wrong. I just felt like I was always looking over my shoulder...I was so so so scared I was going to see him I didnt want to see him. I tried to think about other things, but I couldnt. there were just so many reminders it was all I could think about. everything reminded me of it in some way- seeing the place we were at, seeing other people who were at the party. it just all hit me at once I couldnt stay. the closer it got to dark and the more they were all talking about going to parties the more scared I got. I juts couldnt handle it. I'm not ready, i'm not ready to face that yet...it was just too....real. I had to leave. The whole way home I had so many things going through my mind. I was scared and sad and pissed off but at the same time, relieved just to be getting away from there. all I could do was cry, it felt good to cry. it really did. I really wish I would have had someone to talk to then i'm tired of going through this alone. its my fault though...people try to help me but I can't let them.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

I realized...

Although going to see Lila is upsetting sometimes, I really...I really feel better when I leave there. You know I really don't knwo why other than I keep things inside of me that I just can't talk to anyone about..but then theres Lila...and like I havn't even known her that long and..I have told her more than I have ever told anyone. She is probably the only person who knows how I feel about anything in my life at all....she is the only one who has ever cared. It scares me to death to talk to her, but when I do I just feel like it is one less thing I have to worry about, One less thing I have to keep inside. She is one of the first people I really feel like I can trust. I don't feel like she is judging everything I say, and when I am talkign to her I don't have to worry about her getting mad at me for how I feel like most people do. No one knows about my mom and thigns that happened to me when I was a kid--no one except for her. I guess its because she is the only person that has ever really made me feel like I was worth anything at all, she is the only person who has ever really asked me how I feel about something, and actually listened to what I said. Ms. D. asked me the other day if I was glad I was meeting Lila, and I realized...I really am. I have learned so much about myself by going there. I have gotten so much out that has been haunting me since I was little. Not only has she helped me cope with my assult, but with Everything else that I have been pushing into the back of my mind for the last 4 years. I could not have gone to a better counselor. I have gotten more out of my sessions with her than even she could know. alot of times I'm sure it seems like I'm not understanding or listening to what she's saying but I am ways am, and even though I have a hard time acceptign some of the things she says, I always keep what she tells me in the back of my mind. I really wish I would have went to the group meetings, I think it would have been beneficial, but theres always next time.