why?

why did I have to go to the party?
why did I have to drink?
Why did I have to go upstairs to the bathroom?
why did I have to look at you?
Why did I have to make you think I wanted it?
why did you pick me?
why couldnt you stop when I begged you to?
why did you have to hold me down?
why did you watch me cry?
why did you muffle my crys?
why did you blow you beer stained breath in my face?
why couldnt you jsut stop?
why couldnt I get away?
why didnt i try harder?
why couldnt i just push you off?
why why why?
why do i still ask why?
why can't I just accept it?

These questions fill my mind every single day. I can't forget about it no matter how hard I try. the further I push things back, the worse it is when it comes out. I just don't understand any of it. I just want to forget about it all! I just want to take it back. why? I just want to know WHY?

To You!!

I don't really think you will ever know what you did to me, you know not only physically but mentally and emotionally. Because of you I am afraid of my own shadow. I am afraid to live. I Can't go out and have a good time with my friends because I am too scared that there will be another bastard like you out there that will do the same thing. i don't trust myself with anything. You took away everything that I had you took my body, my mind, just my life in general. no matter how hard i try to push you out, your always in my dreams, your face clouds my every thought. do you have absolutely no sympathy for what you did? How could you even live with yourself knowing you ruined my life. I was only sixteen why couldnt you just stop when I asked you to why couldnt you understand that you were hurting me and I just wanted you to stop. how could you find pleasure in my pain! couldnt you see!! or did you see and just not care!!!??? you can never understand the pain you have caused me, you will never know all that you have taken away from me, but mark my words I hope your happy I really do. I hope you can look in the mirror and like what you see because one day that will all dissapear and you will feel what I feel. You will pay for what you did to me, I promise you that.

Endless thoughts

so I guess I am just going to forget about evrything and just write what I am thinking. You know no matter how much I try to forget about it, it never leaves me alone. I can't even sleep without it haunting my dreams. I just want to go to sleep one night, wake up one morning and not have that be the first and last thing I think about. The smallest things are constant reminders of it. I can't seem to ever get away from it. I'm just so tired of it. Why can't I just be normal. The worst thing is, That I know he is not loosing a single second of sleep over what he did.