.....Wrote on my birthday

My conscience nags,

My voice still lags.

Eleven months, twenty nine days [ed]

,but in my mind it still replays

I find it harder to express the feelings,

That still result from my many dealings.

So, on my face I paint a smile,

Knowing a mask will suffice for a while.

But can you hide behind a mask forever,

With so many emotions left to weather

Allowing my mind very little action,

Offers me some sort of painful satisfaction.

So again I sit alone and think,

Tears building up with every blink,

Is this really all that life has to give,

If so, what's the purpose in striving to live?

Sitting here I can think of nothing to say

I live my life in complete dismay

Why can I think of nothing to write

The words...am I trying to hide or incite?

Seconds turn to minutes, minutes to a year

And still, I remain paralyzed by fear

Is it better to feel absolutely nothing at all

Or something that beats on you like a Maul?

I wish I could speak of what really matters

Like my mind, which my mistake continues to shatter

Is it stupid of me to write about this nonsense,

Am I stupid for letting it become this intense?

I'm trying so hard to make these words legible

but with this blame will I ever be elgible?

to express these emotions filling my brain

These feelings that drive me completely insane.

Who's to say that this is so damn simple

How do you know lies don't fill my dimples?

That's the problem, people just assume,

Their stuck inside their secluded little rooms

They talk about things they know nothing about

Things that are complicated without a doubt.

If I could explain half of the things I feel

Maybe this wouldnt be such a big deal

If someone read this, what would they say

Would they think it's just me having a bad day?

Does it even really matter what they think?

UGHHHHH

Today has been great...NOT for one thing my birthday is tomorrow. I hate it so much it is nothing but a huge disappointment, and now a huge reminder. My loving caring friends have decided that They are going to havenota party, but a "get together" for me friday night! They just cannot leave well enough alone seriouslY! you would think that they would have gotten the picture by now. I DONT WANT TO CELEBRATE MYBIRTHDAY! I dont know how many times I have to say it or how many ways I have to put it to make them understand that it is not a happy day for me, It is not a day worth celebrating!

Secondly my brother, nice loving caring brother he is! I am going to beat the crap out of him! I cannot deal with him anymroe!!! I had to make up a test today and I told him and the triplets that I was going to take like thirty minutes to take it so they would have to wait for me, well before I even started the test he called me and was like where the fuck are you at, and I was like making up my gemometry test and hewas like liek I am not waiting out here all fucking day and so I wasl ike well I am going to hurry thereis nothing i can do I have to make up this test. Well the whole time I was taking the test he was calling me cussing me out and stuff and there were like three of my teachers ssitting in there and I was jusyt like what ever so Ijust wrote down answers for the whole test and of course failed it, because I couldnt even concentrate and all of the teachers could hear what he wassaying because he was yelling and shit. when IU got out to the car I was just trying to hurry because I was already late for work and as soon as I got in the car he started yelling calling me a stupid bitch and told me I was nothing but I piece of shit and telling me he would fuck my face up and all thisstuff and I was like oh my god what the hell did I do to you!!!! so when we stopped at the triplets for me to get my work clothes he got out of the car and was still cussing meout and stuff and I told him he was not riding with me talking like that. I am supposed to take him to work with me and thenbetty picks him up but he kept on and on so I left him there and went to work. Well while Iwas on myway to work he called mama and told her I left him, and she called yelling at me and shit and I told her I just couldnt handle him. Shecan't even handle him how am I supposed to. I do so much for him, my whole life revolves around him and autumn and he doesnt appreciate any of it. I don't need yet another person telling me how much of a piece of shit I am. I don't need to hear that shit especially not this week. It is already miserable enough without having to deal with that. Idon't knowwhat to do anymroe. I amsick of it.

NO ONE CARES HOW I AM FEELING ABOUT ANYTHING! it's all about everyone else. Ineed everyone to just give me a break just until next week. I just need abreak.

Hell week.

well it has been a while since I have blogged anything. I ahve just been too busy to do anything. I'm so tired, when I went to my meeting with Lila yesterday I got there like fourty five minutes early because I though there was going to be traffic because of the michael Vick sentancing but it wasnt so anyways I was there early and While I was waiting I fell asleep in my car, parked on the side of a crowded street in ricmond sleeping....

I had a really scary nightmare sunday night. It was one of the worst I have ever had. I was fell asleep with my phone in my hand and the next thing I know I just rememeber someone talking to me thorugh my phone so I said hello and it was him and he was telling me that I knew I liked it and stop being a bitch and to get over myself and I tried closing my phone but he was still talking through the phoen and I was so scared. I was trying to scream for my mom--don't know why not like she owuld have come anyways, but I couldnt scream. I was yelling to the top of my lungs but no sound was coming out of my mouth. it scared me so much. I coulnt close my eyes again it felt so real and I was so scared to hear it again. When I woke up I was crying. It felt good to be crying but I couldnt cry i had to calm down so I wouldnt wake autumn up. Even when I told Lila about it, it almsot made my cry...Almost. which is weird it's hard for me to cry. It was so scary though. I'm scared to sleep with my phone now.

My birhtday is in two days. I hate it. i wish I could jsut disappear for the whole second half of this week. This week is already bad enough and everyone just seems to want to make it worse. I wish I could sleep this whole month away..at least I hope next month is better. Things have to get better soemtime...don't they?

I don't know. I am not sure what i am going to do. Lila said I should do something for myself on my birthday...so maybe gettting my nails done or something...spend some of my money on me for a change.

;-(

so lastweekend i did something stupid again. I thoughtI could go out wiht Mark and actually handle it. yeah right. after we went to themovie he wanted to go back tohis house and even though I knew it wasnt agood idea he begged and I gave in. I know I wasasking for it. Iknew he was going totry something. whwy wouldnt he. He isaguy. when we got there he kissed me a couple of time, and even though Iwas so uncomfortable I thought I could just deal with it cause it was only kissing and I thought I owed it to him, but then he started trying to do other shti and when he got on top of me on the couch I...i was so scared. the only thing I could think about was making him get off of me. I was so scared he was going to....he wouldnt stop at first until i practically begged him. I felt like I was back in that fucking bed and hewas on top of me and I was begging him to get off. when he finally got off of me he just stood upand told em he was done trying. I was so pissed off at myself...for thinkiong I could handle it, for not being able to. Fro not being able to give him what he deserves. for everything. I don't want to talk about it anymore.

SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Miserable. that's the only word I can think of to describe the past week. ABSOLUTELY MISERABLE. did something stupid. DIdn't mean to. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm such a f*ck up. Sorry I'm so fuc*ing worthless.Sorry I can't do anything right. sorry I am such a fuc*ing dissapointment, I'm sorry that I want to cry, I'm sorry that I'm not allowed. Sorry for being so fuc*ing sorry! I HATE HER!!!!!! NO I HATE MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have been thinking so much about so much different stuff. I learned from everyone on Pandy's that it can take a long to actually be able to talk about what happened, but I don't have time. I don't think that they YWCA offers counceling but for like 6 months or something. I am never going to get better I might as well just give it up. We were talking about trust being so hard to earn with us, and it is. We were talking about how a lot of us have more trust for our therapist than we have for anyone else.

It is so true. I trust Lila more than I trust anyone. I have told her things that I have never told anyoen else. She knows thngs that I am ashamed of, that disgust me, just things that I would never tell anyone else. It is really going to suck when our meetings are over because I don't think I coudl ever tell anyone else everything I have told Lila. I will probably never talk about ti again when I stop going to the meetings. No one else would actually want to hear about how I feel about everything, about problems with my screwed uo family, about me being *****.

It's going to suck, but W/e. I don't care.

thats all for now. don't really know what else to say.

I am taking too long

I was talking to Grace today, and she asked me to do something with her monday, but I told her I couldn't because I had a meeting with Lila, and she was like "still, she hasn't fixed your problem yet?" I just sat there, I didn't knwo what to say. I mean I am I really taking too long? How long do people usually go to a therapist? I guess it just made me really think...should I have already "gotten over it?" She just made it seem like it was a "problem" and I guess it is...but it's not my...I don't know. she just made me feel like a complete Idiot! I don't know what to think. I always think I am wasting Lila's time because it's like I never can talk about anything that I need to. I DONT KNOW! mybe I should just stop wasting her time and stop going. I am evidentally not going to ever get any better. this is frusterating.