why?

why did I have to go to the party?
why did I have to drink?
Why did I have to go upstairs to the bathroom?
why did I have to look at you?
Why did I have to make you think I wanted it?
why did you pick me?
why couldnt you stop when I begged you to?
why did you have to hold me down?
why did you watch me cry?
why did you muffle my crys?
why did you blow you beer stained breath in my face?
why couldnt you jsut stop?
why couldnt I get away?
why didnt i try harder?
why couldnt i just push you off?
why why why?
why do i still ask why?
why can't I just accept it?

These questions fill my mind every single day. I can't forget about it no matter how hard I try. the further I push things back, the worse it is when it comes out. I just don't understand any of it. I just want to forget about it all! I just want to take it back. why? I just want to know WHY?