Wednesday, November 28, 2007

;-(

so lastweekend i did something stupid again. I thoughtI could go out wiht Mark and actually handle it. yeah right. after we went to themovie he wanted to go back tohis house and even though I knew it wasnt agood idea he begged and I gave in. I know I wasasking for it. Iknew he was going totry something. whwy wouldnt he. He isaguy. when we got there he kissed me a couple of time, and even though Iwas so uncomfortable I thought I could just deal with it cause it was only kissing and I thought I owed it to him, but then he started trying to do other shti and when he got on top of me on the couch I...i was so scared. the only thing I could think about was making him get off of me. I was so scared he was going to....he wouldnt stop at first until i practically begged him. I felt like I was back in that fucking bed and hewas on top of me and I was begging him to get off. when he finally got off of me he just stood upand told em he was done trying. I was so pissed off at myself...for thinkiong I could handle it, for not being able to. Fro not being able to give him what he deserves. for everything. I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Monday, November 19, 2007

SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Miserable. that's the only word I can think of to describe the past week. ABSOLUTELY MISERABLE. did something stupid. DIdn't mean to. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm such a f*ck up. Sorry I'm so fuc*ing worthless.Sorry I can't do anything right. sorry I am such a fuc*ing dissapointment, I'm sorry that I want to cry, I'm sorry that I'm not allowed. Sorry for being so fuc*ing sorry! I HATE HER!!!!!! NO I HATE MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, November 11, 2007

I have been thinking so much about so much different stuff. I learned from everyone on Pandy's that it can take a long to actually be able to talk about what happened, but I don't have time. I don't think that they YWCA offers counceling but for like 6 months or something. I am never going to get better I might as well just give it up. We were talking about trust being so hard to earn with us, and it is. We were talking about how a lot of us have more trust for our therapist than we have for anyone else.

It is so true. I trust Lila more than I trust anyone. I have told her things that I have never told anyoen else. She knows thngs that I am ashamed of, that disgust me, just things that I would never tell anyone else. It is really going to suck when our meetings are over because I don't think I coudl ever tell anyone else everything I have told Lila. I will probably never talk about ti again when I stop going to the meetings. No one else would actually want to hear about how I feel about everything, about problems with my screwed uo family, about me being *****.

It's going to suck, but W/e. I don't care.

thats all for now. don't really know what else to say.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

I am taking too long

I was talking to Grace today, and she asked me to do something with her monday, but I told her I couldn't because I had a meeting with Lila, and she was like "still, she hasn't fixed your problem yet?" I just sat there, I didn't knwo what to say. I mean I am I really taking too long? How long do people usually go to a therapist? I guess it just made me really think...should I have already "gotten over it?" She just made it seem like it was a "problem" and I guess it is...but it's not my...I don't know. she just made me feel like a complete Idiot! I don't know what to think. I always think I am wasting Lila's time because it's like I never can talk about anything that I need to. I DONT KNOW! mybe I should just stop wasting her time and stop going. I am evidentally not going to ever get any better. this is frusterating.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

:-(

My grades have dropped in school. I went from having straight A's to having two C's. It's pitiful. I'm so freaking pissed of f at myself I do not know what to do. My grades are the only things I freaking care about and I can't even keep those up. I really can't do anything right.

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I am so close to moving in with my dad. I really at this point don't know what is worse..staying here and being miserable, scrwing up in school, being exausted every single minute of every day, or living with a dad who doesn't want me, a family who thinks I am going to be a screw up...which by the looks of it all is an accurate assumption.

I don't know. I have so much on my mind it's ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

thats it i don't feel like writing anything else right now.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

What he's taken, he will never know
I can't enjoy my birthday, or Christmas, os snow
For reminders of his fallacy constantly linger
repeating over and over like an alarm clock ringer
I can't enjoy my life for what it is....
It's not my life, it's not, it's his.
Everyday I sit alone and think,
why did I go to that party, why did I drink?
!How could he lie there and watch me cry?
why do I sit here wanting to die?
why does this happen?
Who do I blame?
The endless questions are driving me INSANE!
Help me please, I'm starting to drown
Pain, and confusion, a constant frown.
I'm drowning in silence, persistant fear,
I'm dying inside but I can't shed a tear!
I'm sick of trying to hold it all in,
I'm tired of feeling like talking is a sin
!I'm stuck in this darkness, scared as hell
I just want to scream, or cry, or YELL!
Can someone just listen, at least pretend to care
I didn't ask for this, It isnt fair!

Sorry. Not feelign the greatest today. Very bad day actually.