Ever since that night I hvae been terrified to be at parties, and to be drunk because I'm so scared of loosing control again I guess. But last night I had a huge fight with mama, and I was already feeling miserable because of the flashbacks, and just everythng. She kicked me out of her house and so I left and I ended up going to a party with my best friend, and I wasn't planning on drinking i just neededto get away but when I got there they were offering me drinks and I guess I thought if I could just get drunkenough i would forget it all and so I drank and drank and drank and before I realized it I was wasted. But it didn't make it any better I started having flashbacks and I just wanted them to stop so I kept drinking more and more and more. when my best friend finally took the alcohol away from me I couldnt even move I couldn't talk I felt paralized. I honestly thought I was going to die I had never been that drunk before. I don;t know hwy I did it. It's absolutely pathetic. I'm such an idiot I don't knwo why I would put myself in that situation again. I don't kow why I did it. IM SUCH AN IDIOT!!