Usually I am counting the days down until my birthday...not this year. I am dreading it. I never thought that there was a such thing as an anniversary of the day you were raped...I mean I know that day comes around every year, but I just didnt think people considered it an anniversary...I guess I just always thought of an anniversary as a happy time...I don't know. It's really...unbelieveable to me that it has almost been a year since it happened. Maybe because I waited six months to tell anyone, or maybe because I still have not really told anyone... I don't know how it is going to feel on the that day..I mean I know I am not anticipating the day coming, but I really don't know how it is going to be...I mean I don't knwo if I will feel like I did on the day it happened or if I won't even feel any different. Maybe it won't be that bad...Lila gave me this paper on anniversaries, and It really helped to see that I wasn't alone..like I wasnt the only one who was scared about how I was going to feel on that day. It was neat to see the diferent way that people dealt with it. It was also really scary though to see how bad some peoples anniversaries were like some people had really vivid flash backs and were scared to leave their houses...I don't want that to happen to me. The worst part is that I am not even looking foward to my birthday...I just want to skip it...all of this happened at my birthday party...I just wonder if I will ever be able to enjoy it again, or will it akways be a sad day for me? I don't know...I just don't know what to expect.
i really liked that website Lila gave me on that paper...even though I know I am not the only one going through this...it really helps to hear someone else say the things that I can't. It really helps talk to someone who understands how I feel...someone who feels or has felt the same way.
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