Today...

Today has been slightly, no alot better than the past few. I think I actually slept more hours last night than I have slept in a week. I drove last night, after I got off work I just drove. I didn't know where I was going I just knew I wanted to get away. Away from everything. I ended up at lake gaston, about 2 hours away from my house- only about fifteen minutes from my dads. I stopped at the public boat landing, and I sat on the dock for about 2 hours, thinking, crying, just being pissed off. I think last night was the first time I have actually cried because I was sad about what happened. Usually when I cry it's because I am pissed off at myself for even getting upset about it, or just pissed off in general, but last night it really hit me how sad i am. I sat there and though about how I was just lettign myself loose it, about how I was giving up on everything. I don't want to give up, I don't want to let that bastard ruin my whole life. I took and ripped up everything I had written in my journal...I don't know why other than I am sick of hiding how I feel in a journal...writing is ok but I need to talk about it. Writing is not getting it out, when I talk about it, it seems real, liek I have to face it. when i am writing and I get upset or don't want to deal with it anymore I just stop writing, close my journal and I don't have to worry about anyone trying to make me talk. I need someone to make me talk. I need to get all of the anger, and fear, and hurt out. I don't want it to take over my life, and as of right now it is. I'm sick of being afraid. I'm sick of feeling alone. Anyways, when I finally got myself together I went and stayed at my dads for the night, and when Autumn came into my room because she had had a nightmare, and she wanted to sleep with me because she was scared, I realized that I have to deal with this for her. She looks up to me, and right now I am nothign for her to be looking up to. I just know I can't loose it because I am all she has. I just realized ALOT last night. I realized exactly how bad things are...I realized how miserable I really am, and I realized I have to do something about it. I can't keep digging myself into the hole I am already so far in as it is.